Transition and Transformation

I’ve been struggling lately with a lot of things. None of them are huge or of great consequence, but they add up over time.

Small things build up that cause me to lose sight of who I am and what I’m good at. I let my guard down and energy that’s unwanted invades my personal space. Tiny bits of information get trapped in my heart and soul and brain until the only way to let them out is to sit down with my version of a therapist and poke an imaginary needle in my arm and let it all come out in one giant WHOOOOOOSH! And that’s what I did on Sunday.

And it was the most amazing experience I’ve had in a long time.

Sunday night brought the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. Monday morning, the world looked clear and full of possibilities.

Being very honest here, the Internet is a contributing factor to my worries, though not by any means all of them. It’s such an exhausting, confusing, mean, loving, and wonderfully amazing place. Those are unusual adjectives, huh? Real life is the same way, although people in real life don’t tend to say as much as they do behind the veil of their computer screens.

That said, I’ve met so many amazing people through my computer over the years. It’s opened up a whole new world of thinking to me. It’s made me realize that I’m not alone in my grief. I’m not alone in my fears for my family, especially for my son. I’m not alone in my beliefs, although I try to keep my opinions to myself. It’s taught me to be tolerant, loving, accepting, and kind. It’s taught me to think before I speak and to take everything with a grain of salt!

Social media has brought me joy and it’s brought me heartache. I get sad when a new “scandal” comes along and people say mean things – things they would likely never say to someone’s face. I’m sure I’m guilty of it, but I try really hard not to say something online I wouldn’t say in front of my mama. (good rule to live by, y’all)

I love when people come together to support others that they have never met after a loss, a tragedy, or a heartbreak. That’s when I’m reminded that there are still a lot of good people in the world. I often wonder how the days, months, years after Charlie died would be different had there been Twitter and Facebook at my disposal. I’m mostly glad that it wasn’t there because grieving in “internet time” seems to be far different than grieving in “real time.”

With each new story shared on Facebook, with each new “my way is the right way” comment on Twitter, I find myself hurting more and wearing feelings that aren’t mine.

Life isn’t black or white or extreme. At least my life isn’t.

I choose to live in between… in the color (though some call it gray, but that sounds depressing). I make decisions based on my knowledge and my heart. They may not be the popular decisions, but they’re well thought out and not rash or based on what others expect of me or my husband.

I probably won’t talk about every decision I make, because honestly, I don’t need the internet’s opinion. I won’t discuss religion or politics, because to me they are private matters. Just like school choice, money, where I eat chicken sandwiches and what activities I let my son be involved in.

Being online and hearing/reading everyone’s opinions, usually extreme ones, sucks the color out of my life. It’s just one of many things that takes the positive energy I work hard to keep in my body, and turns it into negative energy.

I want color back in my life.

Living life in color is one of my goals. I’m taking steps right now to get my colorful life back. I need to think for ME, and me alone. I need to tend to my family and home. I need to turn off my computer more and be present in my physical life.

I need to sit and allow myself to be content. I need to follow the path and let it lead me where I should be going.

I need to set goals, get outside, clean this house, start cooking supper again, and start finding the color.

I can see it already and it’s beautiful.